Creating independence in your child
As a parent, it is a natural instinct to want to protect your child at all costs. From the moment they are born you vow to keep them safe and free of danger. This mindset is essential in the first few years of their life. As time goes on you have to begin letting go of the reigns. Changing your mindset from doing to supporting is imperative to raising self-reliant, independent beings.
Counterintuitive to this, is the idea that it is our job to support and encourage our children as they navigate this challenging world, not hold their hand. That means we have to let them fail sometimes. We have to watch from the sidelines as they make mistakes. This is hard to do because our innate response is to help and fix it. The most well-intentioned parents may, without even realizing it, embrace certain approaches that can hinder kids’ development towards self-sufficiency.
In my practice, I see adolescents and young adults all the time who are afraid to make a mistake, take a risk and put themselves out there. They are often unable to problem solve and cope with day-to-day life. Primarily this is due to not failing often, not learning from mistakes, and not solving their own problems. This lack of self-reliance can leave your child unable to cope with the challenges they will encounter along the way.
The hard truth is that they will leave the nest. Ultimately our job as parents is to raise happy, healthy, confident, and independent adults. Part of loving them is letting go.
Below are tips to incorporate now to assist your child from dependence to independence.
1. Allow them to fail.
When we allow our children to fail, we are teaching them how to succeed. Failure is a part of growing; therefore, it is a parents’ job to support and offer encouragement. Failing helps build confidence and allows kids to develop skills to face challenges and adversity.
2. Promote problem-solving
By allowing kids to solve their own problems you are instilling in them that they have control and don’t need to rely on adults to solve problems. This is a crucial skill to have as they grow and become independent. Support your child and offer suggestions if they ask, however, allow them to approach the problem from their point of view. They may not do it the way you would, but again we are trying to instill self-reliance. Instead of telling them what to do you may ask “what do you think?” or “what do you think is the best way to solve this problem?”
3. Give them chores
Children as young as 3 can begin helping with tasks such as picking up toys, making their bed, and picking out their clothes. Naturally, as kids get older the greater the responsibility. This takes time on the part of the parent to train their child to do these simple tasks. We often don’t have time and think “If I want it done and done right, I’ll do it myself”. However, if we set aside time to teach kids, then, in the end, we will create more time for ourselves and self-sufficient children.
4. Decisions, decisions, decisions
Allow your child to make decisions. Letting children make age-appropriate choices throughout the day gives them a sense of control and autonomy in their lives. Decisions also lead to independent thinking and independent actions. This could mean letting your 4-year-old choose his/her snack or letting your 12-year-old determine what they are going to do after school. In addition, we need to teach kids how to manage and organize their time. An example is having your child map out how much time they have after school to complete their responsibilities and activities. Budgeting time to fit everything in is a crucial skill that leads to independence.
My hope in writing this is that parents are equipped with the skills they need to promote independence in their children which will result in successful and happy adults. Then you can sit back and relax as you watch them soar.
Written by Jill Connolly, Licensed Therapist, and most important mom to two incredible young adult children (who are mostly independent). 😊
